Regardless of what some people try to tell you, money is pretty damn important.  People that say “Money doesn’t buy happiness,” have clearly never sipped a bottle of Cristal while receiving a Swedish massage all while having Elton John play a private concert for them.  For clarity purposes, I haven’t done this either, but I imagine I would be pretty damn happy if I was doing that. Instead I’m typing a blog post from a broken office chair that falls apart if I shift my weight the wrong way, or had too many french-fries with dinner.

I’m fortunate enough to have enough money that my food selections can include things outside of the McDonald’s dollar menu, but still poor enough that I risked my life by crossing a four lane highway on foot during rush hour for a five dollar bill.  For those that need a conclusion to every story, I did capture the $5 unscathed.

The keys to financial success are simple and finite:

  1. Attain as much money as possible
  2. Give away as little money as possible

When performed correctly, this can result in what some people refer to as a “positive net worth.”  I’ve never experienced this before, but it’s probably a euphoric feeling similar to riding a unicorn through a spring meadow with Mary Tyler Moore.

In general, some people might consider me to be cheap simply because I purchase my underwear in a place that also sells milk and eggs.  On occasion however, I’ve been known to splurge at my favorite Sweedish this-furniture-will-last-as-long-as-your-next-oline-relationship manufacturer, Ikea.  On such occasions where you splurge, you will probably experience buyer’s remorse and wonder if having 2000 scented tea lights is really a better investment than paying your overdue electric bill.  Well, to deduce this, I use the method below for balancing my checkbook *.

  1. After visiting Ikea and spending $400 when you went to find a pencil cup for your desk, head upstairs to the cafeteria
  2. Order the Sweedish meatballs, when asked if you want 5 more for $1, always say yes.  This may seem like an odd decision given the fact you’re not sure if you have money left in your account, however overeating will help create a subdued mood lessening the blow of any possible financial meltdown.
  3. Once “The Itis” has set in, and you’re not positive if every product in Ikea has a ridiculous unpronounceable Swedish name or if you’re just delusional, it’s time to check your bank account.
  4. From your Smartphone, log into your online bank account. If the decimal place hasn’t moved to the left, you’re golden.  If it has, then it’s time to contemplate how many potted plants, which you aren’t going to care for and will inevitably die anyway, you really need.

So there you have it, it really is that simple.  Get money, don’t give it out, try to curb splurge spending, and enter into a food coma state if necessary to soften the blow on any outlandish purchases.

*Balancing your checkbook refers the archaic process our parents performed of keeping track of each check they wrote and manually calculating the balance.  This was before you would just swipe your debit card and be informed via text message that you were running out of money.