There’s nothing quite like finishing a workout.  The high from the endorphins, the sweat dripping down your body, feeling tired – but in a good way, it just can’t be beat.  Actually, I bet heroine produces similar effects… but I wouldn’t advocate that.  That post workout feeling is a truly great one, the effort required to get that feeling however, is quite the opposite.

If you’re like me, or 99.5% of the world, you don’t enjoy working out.  Your mind will literally do everything possible avoid it.  It’s because of this that we have had to redesign our gyms into “Luxury fitness centers” complete with spas and juice bars.  Now, after you half-ass your way through “Body Jam” (Body jam is a modern version of Richard Simons’ “Sweatin’ to the oldies”), your gym will graciously reward you with a smoothie in exchange for $7.  Smoothies are essentially a milkshake with yogurt.  If the gym is smart this yogurt is high in both fat and sugar so you will actually enjoy wheatgrass blended with yogurt.

If you already have a membership, you might not even remember how you signed up.  You see, you don’t simply walk into the gym and request a list of prices.  Actually, during no part of the sign up process are you ever given a concrete list of how the prices are determined.  When you arrive at the gym a tall, blond hair, blue-eyed, big breasted woman* will take you on a tour of the facilities.  Sure, she still uses a Speak & Spell (this is not a paid endorsement for Speak & Spell) for words with 3 or more syllables, but trust me, you’ll be swiping your credit card before she’s done.

Author’s note: If you are a woman or gay male, a chiseled and charming, strong yet soft, male will be your enrollment specialist.  His name will either be: Enrique or Javier.

If this is your first time joining a gym, you’ve probably bought a number of matching workout clothes to wear to the gym.  Hopefully not more that 7 outfits, as that’s probably the most times you’ll go.  When you go, avoid the locker room at all possible costs.  Old men apparently have zero shame.

After about a week or two of going to the gym, you’ll find that chocolate chip sized morsel of motivation (mmmm, chocolate) is now gone.  You’ll start to make excuses as to why you can’t go today.  To help, I’ve listed some to get you started:

  • Mysterious pain in foot, should probably take a day off
  • For the kids (It doesn’t matter if you have them)
  • Weather – Note: all weather can be dangerous, Sun stroke, icy roads, etc…
  • Won’t work out until Tibet is free

Why not just cancel your membership?  HAHAHA.  You can’t. You literally can’t. On the off chance your plan has an option to cancel, when you attempt to, you’ll be sent right back to the enrollment specialist.  Before you know it you’ll know be a preferred member with a tanning package and twice weekly massage.  The only one way to get out of your gym membership…. move.

While on the subject of fitness, I’ll ponder some healthy dishes and post one next week.