I’m slightly embarrassed to even write this blog post because it requires me to admit that I still watch two shows on the CW.  Being 26 and watching two shows on the CW should be a giant red flag for anyone who wants to be my friend and / or date me.

The first show, One Tree Hill, I’m not as embarrassed to admit I watch.  Mainly because it started when I was in high school and appeared to be a legitimate story with a plot line about two half brothers.  Fast forward to today where they wrote off one of the half brothers and then turned the show into a prime time soap opera.  Each week things appear to be going well for one of our main characters, but by the end they’ll be outrunning a saber-toothed tiger who happened to find his way to Tree Hill, NC (not an actual plot twist, yet).

The second show, The Secret Circle, I am and should be embarrassed to say I watch.  It just started this year, when I was 26.  There is no substance to this show at all.  It’s a show about a group of children who are witches and form a “circle” where they practice magic.  Very little magic actually occurs.  Mostly the blonde chick gets into trouble each week and they have to save her.  Oh, also at least one of the main characters sleeps with someone who they are embarrassed to admit they slept with.

Watching these shows has led to me one amazing realization.  My future lies in a being a writer for the CW.  I already think I have the formula down.

  1. Actors – Find 18-25 year old models whose age you can’t accurately determine by looking at them.  Are they legal, who knows?   During the audition pick the ones who deliver the lines in monotone and don’t smile or laugh at jokes.
  2. Themes – The show must be based around at least 2 of the following topics:
    • Magic
    • The trials and tribulations of privileged middle class high school kids
    • Sex
    • Sex
    • Sex
    • Vampires
    • Fairy Tales
    • Comic books
    • Annoying rich white girls being annoying
  3. Plot twists – Throughout the series, include as many of the following as possible
    • Main character is kidnapped
    • After escaping, main character is kidnapped again
    • Every main character sleeps with every other main character.
    • Someone is in an accident, which is the perfect time for a flash back episode
    • Someone gets pregnant but has complications with the pregnancy.  Repeat every time ratings slip as needed
    • Season three or later: Kill off a main character that the show is based on further loosening the already nonexistent plot line.