Those of you that know me know that I don’t necessarily have an eye for fashion.  I primarily choose my clothing options based upon one thing: price.  My sister and I have quite different ideas of what we consider deals.  To me a deal is finding a button down shirt for 10 dollars at the outlets.  To her, a deal is buying a purse that used to be $400, but has been drastically reduced to $379.99.

Out of concern for my ability to find a future mate, or more likely embarrassment to be seen with me, some of my friends have decided to try and change the way that I dress.  I’ve learned many things about the fashion over the last few months, and have decided to put together my seven steps for getting ready here.

  1. The first key to a successful night out always starts with a shower.  I choose to put together a shower play mix to put me in the mood.  I’ve found that some songs can do quite the opposite.  Celine Dion – My heart will go on, for example, proved to be a depressing choice which left me sitting in the shower way longer than anticipated.
  2. Next, it’s important to pick out a freshly ironed shirt.  Here’s a great tip, don’t try to iron it yourself.  Ironing is the biggest scam ever.  Many people don’t know that irons were actually created by dry cleaners as a way to make more money. You see it is actually impossible to use an iron to get the wrinkles out of your clothes.  What happens is that you attempt to iron your shirt for about 30 minutes, then end up taking it to the cleaners… double profit.
  3. It’s important to smell good.  You have 2 choices here.  You could wear Axe body spray if you goal is to let people know that you’re a 16 year old boy going through puberty that makes awful life decisions, or you could invest in a designer fragrance.
  4. Now it’s time for hair.  I’ve never really been good at this one.  My best piece of advice is to tape a picture of Donald Trump up in your bathroom.  If you look like him in the end, start over.
  5. Shoes.  Apparently your choice in footwear is supposed to be fun, casual, and sophisticated at the same time…. I have no idea what that looks like.  Usually I just make sure that my shoes don’t look like something Ronald McDonald would wear.
  6. Now that you are all ready to go and feeling confident, get in the car and go to your friend’s apartment.  Upon arrival, you may notice an odd facial expression.  It took me a few months, but I learned that look is actually a look of pity, disappointment and embarrassment.
  7. Step 7, the final step your friend and his roommate will now attempt to find old clothing they were going to throw away that will look better on you than your newly purchased garments.  Everything that you spent the last 2 hours on will be thrown away.